Merry Christmas and memories

I want to wish all my friends and readers a Merry Christmas. I haven't blogged much this holiday season. I wanted to post my holiday decor but its been hit or miss this yr.

The movers repacked many of my Christmas boxes and so I had a very hard time finding anything. I found my turkey roaster packed in between clothes and a bottle of balsamic vinegar in a box of Christmas. And so its been a very frustrating season for me.

Ive been baking alot to send goodies to family and friends and that hasn't been going very well either. So it took me longer and now boxes wont be going out till Monday.

Ive been very moody and cranky lately too. Its taken me many days to figure out why but I finally did. I love my new home, I love where Ive landed. I love the state I live in too. I'm not homesick for CA. I just miss my children and grand children. Christmas there were so many traditions, many carried over from my in laws when they passed away. I became the keeper of the traditions. It was alot of work but I loved seeing everyone happy. I guess it was my gift to them.

Last Christmas I was packed and ready to move a week or so before it. So I took my family out to a nice Italian restaurant that served many things we would eat on Christmas. It was a wonderful nite, one Ill never forget. But now theres nothing. My children need to stay where they are because of work.....so no one could come up here. My bf just found work so we couldn't go down there.

And so all the things I used to do, suddenly had no meaning........its like someone cut off an arm. And I was in pain but didn't know it yet. Its been a hard holiday for me.

Today we will be with my bfs parents and that's nice but its not my family. I tried hard after my divorce to keep things normal every yr and traditions going. And now I'm gone from there too. It was the one thing I hated about the move.

So my children are floundering with their holiday and trying to make it as good as they are able. And my grand kids miss some of the traditions. We always baked together, they put up the village and nativity and helped with the tree. And we all sat around my dining room table, laughing and sharing the big Italian Christmas feast. Memories.......that's all I have left now.

I am no longer the mom who does Christmas. It hit me just like it did when my children were done with school and I didn't have to school shop or prepare them for the next yr. I felt lost then too and didn't know what was wrong. I got past that tho. Ill get past this too someday I'm sure. I just have to process this like I did with the school thing.

But right now its painful and sad .........and I feel lost.