So hard to speak...

When I got up this morning I had a few things I was going to blog about. I got online and wandered first, like I usually do. I saw on another site someone mentioned Sandy Hook.....and that the lighthouse was damaged from the hurricane. And later on I came on FB and saw my niece say she felt so bad for those at Sandy Hook. I thought that was strange. I know the hurricane hit NJ but did something else happen? And then I saw my daughter say something on her page. This was strange. There is a Sandy Hook beach and light house in NJ. I know, I used to go there.....so what was going on?

And so I googled it and was stunned to hear about the shooting.....and the name of the school. Funny how so many things are named Sandy lately. But as I watched what unfolded, my heart hurt. And so I haven't posted till now.

I told my children and grandchildren online  that I wish I was there to hug them. My arms feel pretty empty atm with this going on. And I wanted them to know I was thinking of them and hugging them in my heart all day. I think many moms, grammas, fathers, grampas, aunts and uncles are doing that today.

Little angels were killed today by a man playing God. Consider yourself very blessed if you can hug yours.

Holidays and linens

When I was married and did a family dinner or a holiday with my ex's family over, I always had a tablecloth on the table with real napkins. I know some people are more casual and some much fancier. But these dinners to me were special so I went all out. My FIL (who has since passed away), grew up as a kid in Hell's Kitchen. He was a hard working man, a good man but rough around the edges.

However he just loved me and the kids. And so when he would come to my house for dinner that's how our table was set. He told me that he loved that I used REAL napkins. I didn't think much of that then.......but over the yrs when I learned about his life and how hard it was, it surprised me that a man would even notice that. .....and that he would even care. Maybe he thought that people who used them were well to do and so maybe he thought he had arrived ......I dont know. I just know he loved to come to our house.

This week my kids were here. Ive been sick and its been hard to get anything done. But I did put a holiday tablecloth on our usually naked table. I couldn't find the matching napkins. I do have a cabinet here tho , with all my freshly ironed napkins in it. And so I just pulled out some cream colored ones since I figure that would go with anything. They were a silky type fabric tho.

And so I feel now Ive come full circle........you see my bf sat down to Tday dinner and didn't like the napkin. He said he wanted a real one......and I laughed. It is real.....so he got up looking for a better one......I pointed him to the cabinet but apparently he didn't want those either. During our weekly dinners we use paper napkins...........that's what HE called a real one........I laughed.

Today while washing the linens I thought of all this......how I started out with real linens and my life has changed so much that real is now paper lol.

And then I thought of all the linens here in boxes that I probably will never use again. Im thinking I better get Ebaying lol.

Then and Now........

This morning me and the man were chatting about stuff we saw online. I mentioned a picture I saw somewhere the other day that totally disturbed me. It was from long ago when there were trucks that would roam the neighborhoods to fog them for mosquitoes. He didn't remember anything like that from where he lived but I did.

Those trucks spewed out DDT and many kids thought it was just foggy and they ran behind it. I wondered how many of those kids died because of that. I hated the smell of it so I would run home, close all the windows and doors till it all passed. Now I have endometriosis which they think may be caused by DDT exposure. I stayed inside.......those kids didn't. What did they get from it? Its scary.

But it made me think of so many things we did as kids that they cant do today. When I think of it I realized that so many kids truly don't get to have a childhood. We used to be able to play outside all over our neighborhood and in any weather. Kids today don't even go outside much. The "fear" of someone abducting kids is huge and parents are the bad guys no matter what happens. A parent cannot sit outside with a kid every time hes out there. And kids do not learn how to be responsible and self reliant because of that.

I used to ride my bike all over the place, including going to the next town where my aunt lived. I could walk to the store a few blocks away to get candy, or a soda or an ice cream. I just had to tell my folks I was going, I didn't need a cell phone to keep in touch. We played outside till 11pm. Didn't have to worry about city curfews or cops. We could play hide and seek in the dark in the summers and our parents were ok with it if we stayed on our block. We could stay out late to catch lightning bugs and tell stories and talk on our porches too.

You could play in the rain and jump in puddles and the gutters too. And be outside playing all day in the snow till your lips were blue. ...building forts and having snowball fights and sledding. Today the kids cant handle the cold....and the whiny sissy kids run home to mommy if someone gets them with a snowball. Then mommy comes over to complain and threaten lawsuits. And kids had fights and parents rarely got involved unless there was lots of blood. Cuz they knew that if they got involved, 5 min. later the kids were friends again and the parents never spoke to each other again lol. Today they threaten to sue or get the police or call CPS on them.

We could play ball in the streets or roller skate and nobody complained unless the ball went in their yards. Cars respected kids being out there. Today very few streets are safe cuz there's not many small neighborhoods left. The streets are busy and cars don't stop for anything or anyone so you better move. You could go to a park by yourself and nothing would happen to you. Today no one is allowed to be there alone and parents are considered bad if they let the kids do that. You could drink from the hose outside too and not have to worry about GERMS lol . Today everything is germy and could kill you. Gosh we survived that so why cant they ?

Teachers were respected cuz they could put you in the corner if you were bad or even get your folks to come in. You didn't want your folks to come in cuz you knew you would get it even more when you got home. And everyone knew everyone else too so anywhere you went , someone saw you and would report your doings to your folks before you ever got home. Now no one knows anyone and they don't want to know them either. My dad knew the principal of my school. And my Uncle was the Fire Chief in my town. They knew everyone and everyone knew us and watched out for us but also ratted us out to parents if we did something wrong. Today kids are so disrespectful they don't care who sees them. They just do what they want and take what they want. The parents cant discipline them cuz that makes them bad parents according to the govt and schools now so CPS gets involved to make sure little Johnny's ass doesn't get paddled even tho he desperately needs it.

And a big box was the best toy you ever got. First it was a fort for you and your friends. For me it was a pirate ship lol . And then when it broke apart, we took it down a grassy hill sliding all the way, and getting all dirty. Yes dirty......have you seen any dirty kids around your house lately? Dirt wont kill ya. lol And then we would go to a friends house and hose the dirt off us and not worry about mom getting mad that we were wet now. Oh and we were tired and hot and sweaty so we drank from it too.

And if you were lucky somebodies mom would bring some lemonade outside for all of you or even a snack. And nobody had to worry about getting in trouble for eating it or getting sick. My gramma would bring lemonade and cookies on the porch for me and my friends, when I would spend summers with her. Homemade lemonade made with tap water and real sugar and lemons. Who knows if they were organic lol who cared? And my Italian next door neighbor would often make us fried dough sprinkled with cinnamon when she was going to make pizza. We loved it.

We played with bugs and worms, dug in the dirt, collected rocks and other treasures in our pockets. We slept with the windows open in the summer cuz there was no AC and nobody died from the air and nobody was killed. Try doing that today.

I tried to give my children a childhood and now that they are older, they have thanked me for it. They see whats going on out there and are grateful their lives were not like that. Sadly my grandchildren wont have that life tho.

My Inheritance

My mom called me last week and told me a box was on the way. She called it my Inheritance. lol She goes thru phases of cleaning things out and getting rid of them. Sometimes asks me if I want something.

Over the yrs there were only 3 things I wanted that would have disappointed me a lot if I didn't get them. Two Ive gotten already and the third came yesterday. The first was my grammas very fragile hand blown Christmas ornaments.  I remember these on a silly plastic tree that stood on top of grampas big floor radio. It had bubble lights (I have some of those too) and these ornaments. Grampa would put a night light on in that room so he could come and go and not be in total darkness. (I have that too!) But come Christmas time it was magical in there. The tree was lit instead. I fell madly in love with that little plastic tree with the bubble lights and delicate glass ornaments.

One day when I was home for a visit, mom packaged them up for me to hand carry home on the airplane. Every yr. now they are the first ornaments put on my trees. My kids and grandkids have all had the honor of doing that and hearing the story.

The other thing I wanted was my Dad's. He was in the Navy many yrs ago. He had a pea coat he kept from that time. And in that pea coat were dragons! You see back in 1945 he was in China. And he had a Chinese tailor put beautiful embroidered dragon panels on the inside of his coat. It even has his name and the yr. When I was a teen, pea coats were all the rage and I wanted to wear my dads. But he wouldn't let me. Yrs later he let my brother tho and I was heartbroken. I told him how much that coat mean to me and how I loved the dragons.

A few yrs. ago a pkg. came in the mail for my birthday. I opened it up and inside were the dragon panels. I burst into tears. I called dad up to thank him and he said why are you crying? You see I grew up hearing about his stories of being in China during the war and seeing those panels. They will always remind me of my dad. And when I couldn't have the coat I was sad. Dad told me tho the coat fell apart after all these yrs. He saved the buttons and these panels. He knew I wanted them. They were the best birthday present.

 And so there was one more thing left and it came this week. Makes me kind of sad too knowing time is passing so much that now I'm getting these things. Long ago when my mom was little she drank from a Shirley Temple mug. It has Shirley's face painted on there and its cobalt blue glass. When I was a little girl I would spend summers at grammas and gramma would pull out the mug for me. Now I loved Shirley and I love blue glass so that was the perfect cup for me.

And so I grew up using it. Gramma passed away and mom got it back. But I always wanted it. Over time my moms birthdays came and I found out there were more pieces. They were actually a set. So I bought mom one yr. the bowl to match it. Another yr. the creamer. And they sat on her shelves for many yrs. She knew I always wanted them. She said maybe this trip home she would give them to me. I just knew I wanted to get them before mom died. My brother will be handling her affairs and I was afraid he would just get rid of them before I could get them. 

 And so this week, mom sent my inheritance. I love them! And now maybe one day Ill pass them on to my family. Sadly by the time I got this, my own grandkids were grown. But maybe my daughter can save it for hers and gramma would be smiling knowing its getting passed on still.

Remember When?

I woke up this morning after a terrible nites sleep. My bf snored all nite and so I'm lucky if I had two hrs. I was even on here for an hr or two trying to exhaust myself. This morning when he got up I told him I NEED TO SLEEP. The problem is I have my 6yr old grandson here this weekend. Oh boy this is gonna be a tough day for me. As I sit here and its 11:15 trying to suck down enough coffee to make me coherent and alive it dawned on me omg I have some stuff for a blog !

My bf took care of the lil guy while I got some sleep. He made him some eggs and hot chocolate. ( Gosh he doesn't even cook for me!) and generally keep the noise to a low level till I got up. So I took my coffee in the computer room to come read my fav blogs and wake up. This was obviously gonna be a two cuppa morning. The first one went real fast ( or else there's a hole in my cup , I'm just not sure yet). When I finished the first and headed for the kitchen to get another I stumbled upon my grandson playing in a box in the living room.

I remember when I used to do that and it brought a smile to my face. He was having a ball. He drew on it to recreate a racing car and was making all kinds of car sounds. It was too cute. I told him I used to do that too when I was a little girl, but I used to pretend I was a Pirate. Frankly I don't know why I did the pirate thing but its funny ,to this day I still love pirates and pirate stories. Maybe I was one in another life?

Do you remember doing this? What were you pretending to be? Id love to hear what others did.