A birthday blog...

                                             Its the big 6 - 0 !!!

My bf has to work today. Yesterday he went to get smokes and came home with a card and these roses. I was so surprised. Money is tight here so I wasn't expecting anything. And I love the cards he picks out. Hes one of the few men in the world that will stand there and actually read them and pick one that says what he feels. I love it. I save them all.

One of my cousins wished me Happy Birthday and I told her its the big 60.....she said hey 60 is the new 50!! Hmmm so maybe I can skip past this then since 50 was pretty awesome for me lol.

So here it is....my 60th birthday. I realized that even if I died before it, it would still be the day I was born. There's no avoiding this at all. I used to love birthdays, guess its a kid thing. But as I look back, I never really had awesome birthdays. Some get parties, Ive always been the one to give them...not get them. I have gotten some wonderful gifts thru the yrs tho. I don't know what it is about this one that's bothering me. But usually on a big day like this I take stock of the previous yrs to see where Ive been and where I'm going.

Thirty was ok....I didn't mind it. Forty tho hit me hard. Before that date, my eyes went bad and I needed my first glasses, my arthritis got bad in my feet and I had to start watching when and how long I wore hi heels. And I became a gramma for the first time too. ....all before this date that yr. I adored my grand daughter and still do but all this was just a reminder of getting old. And I wasn't ready for it.

At fifty I had already left my marriage of almost 30yrs and was starting over. I felt free for the first time in many yrs. He had way too many expectations of me and the kids and way too many demands. He was verbally abusive too and often neglectful. I just knew I deserved more and so I left. I was lucky even tho it was hard because I came out with enough to start a new life with. And for the first time in my life I had to remember what it was that I liked and loved. I had buried all that to take care of a husband and children. Sometimes tho I still don't know and now its 12 yrs later.

So many things I thought would happen when I left him, didn't happen. I thought it would just be a continuation of my life only without him. I thought Id be throwing parties and making lots of friends. And so I bought a house. Some how tho the parties never happened there. I went to them instead. And my children were busy living their lives. That's ok. I did my job......that's what they had to do. I dont know, it just didn't happen like I thought it would I guess. I dated and eventually met my bf.

Hes a good man but a home body so we don't go out much. Its a huge contrast to my ex who was hardly ever home. I did want a man who wanted to be here with me. But I do like to go out too. lol . And so once again our life is different than I thought it would be. I moved again.....away from my family...this time my children, to start over in another place I thought would be better for my health. And I do love it here. And so 60 isn't feeling very good cuz I know that time is no longer on my side.

But I am grateful. I have more than many. I have a good man who really loves me, children who care and grand kids who miss their gramma. I have a nice home by the ocean, my ocean that I love. I have one good friend who is real country and I like that. I guess I don't need much more and yet I feel like there is more.

But when you have been single and married, rich and poor, traveled all over, have kids and grand kids.......not much more to do I think. And so I guess 60 scares me a bit. I don't know where to go from here. And I don't have the energy or the good health to do it even if I knew. I'm not an invalid but I do have to be careful due to health issues. There's got to be more, I just have to find it. Maybe that's what the 60s will be.

This is the beginning of my 60th yr. here. From now on I want it to be as good as I can make it.......and that includes on here too.